Clickbait Carroll. That’s been my new nickname around the office with sports on hiatus (again). Believe it or not, I have stayed busy during my downtime.
This is the 1st time in my life where I have been chained to my desk with a standard 9-5 job (more like 10 to 4 but who’s counting), and to be honest, I hate it.
Don’t get me wrong, my coworkers are a delight, but my high-energy, high-strung attitude has infiltrated into the work environment. One of my unique abilities is to spout immature jokes at inappropriate times. I constantly pace back and forth in the hallway making my coworkers nauseous while texting feverishly to anyone who responds.
Even my loyal companion, Nittany the Pooch, has dragged her bed to Emma June’s office for some peace and quiet. It’s embarrassing to admit that my dog has acclimated herself better to working in the office compared to her inferior human master.
Oh, back to “Clickbait Carroll.” You see, since Big Jim benched sports until March, it’s been my responsibility to post updates and articles online during hours outside the office. My goal? Seek out those highly clickable articles with local flare to generate clicks.
Trump billboard gets lit in Augusta? Post it.
Hampshire is the only Red county in W.Va.? Post it.
Justice says the “F” word in any form or fashion? Post it.
DNR kills a stray dog thinking it’s a lion? Post it.
I’m pleased with the traffic I have generated while seeking to make the Hampshire Review more tech friendly going forward. (Big tech news coming soon!).
So in the interest of creating conversation, my column this week is nothing more than clickbait.
I have ranked the best names of the rivers, streams, mountains and other geological formations in Hampshire County. This list is based on the sound of the name itself and has nothing to do with the actual landscape features.
1. Ice Mountain – This place just sounds cool. Tell your buddy you were hiking Ice Mountain and the intrigue level intensifies tenfold.
2. The Devil’s Nose – How ironic to find a mountain associated with Satan in “Almost Heaven.” Apparently, the Devil did not go down to Georgia as his nose is firmly planted in Hampshire County.
3. Caudy’s Castle – Also known as Castle Rock, this formation is famous for James Caudy, who fought off an attack by 15 Indians during the French and Indian War. The alliteration of Caudy’s Castle secures this rock formation in the Top 5.
4. Bearwallow Creek – Three great words in this geological name. Bear, wallow and crick. Combine the 3 and you get gold. Even better, Bearwallow Creek runs along Bear Wallow Hollow Road. It doesn’t sound much more West Virginia than that.
5. Buffalo Creek – Buffalo Creek hollow and its nearby waterway were named so during the 18th century due to the abundant populations of buffalo. Apparently the thundering herd was prevalent on this side of the state as well.
1. The Trough – Sounds like pigs eating slop or men using the restroom from the 1950’s, and both are gross.
2. Grassy Lick Run – Yuck. Who likes to lick grass? Say this name repeatedly over and over out loud fast and you might be visiting HR about your office manners.
3. Big Run – It’s hard to get more generic than this bland name. ο