Emma June Grosskopf Mask

With all of this talk about stuff going by the wayside in our society today, it has kind of gotten me thinking. Some of this stuff I’ve never even heard of. What the heck is a correspondence course? I never had a MySpace and I’ve never driven a car with a stick shift. Yikes.

And while we’ve listed pantyhose as on the way out, I will maintain that this is a trend I won’t be letting go of. I mean, I don’t dabble in the nude pantyhose realm, but I am all-in on the black tights during cold weather. It’s nice for when I’m feeling too lazy to shave my legs but still want to wear a skirt. They were really onto something there.

We have “Going” (stuff that seems like it’s on the way out), “going” (stuff that is actively going out of style and honestly has 1 foot out the door) and “gone” (you know, gone. Vanished. Kaput.). We added “Back and Better than Ever” because sometimes history repeats itself, and now I want to add my own personal section: “Gotta Go.”

As in, I’ve got beef with the following items, and they gotta go. The sands of time haven’t done away with them yet, but there might still be hope, so I’m speaking it out to the universe.

Umbrellas: They don’t work. That’s it. That’s all. They cost too much, they break too easily and a good, hooded, zip-up raincoat works better overall. Outlaw them.

Infinity Scarves: you know those scarves that are basically a ring of fabric? Yeah, burn them. Wear a regular scarf like a normal person.

Mice: I realize this is not up to me, as mice are part of the “all of God’s creatures” category. Well, I found a mouse in one of my traps yesterday morning, and as I was struggling to push it into a dustpan with my broom at 7 a.m., I was lamenting the fact that mice exist altogether. Can’t they go extinct already?

COVID-19: Do I even need to go into this one? Wear a mask, stop breathing on each other and wash your hands and maybe we can send this one into the ether.

Flared Jeans for Men: One time, I was at a bar and this man came to chat me up, and I took one look at his flared jeans, flip flops and greasy ponytail and I told him his outfit offended me. And he was offended that I was offended. That’s show biz, baby.

IPAs: Do actual beer drinkers like IPAs? Honestly, if I wanted to drink something that tasted like the dirty water in Grandpap’s birdbath, I would drive back to Fredericksburg with a straw.

Plastic Water Bottles: Can we PLEASE try to save the planet? I mean, it’s 2020. Drink out of an aluminum bottle, people.

Closed Session: Seeing as school board meetings are the backbone of my social calendar, I think closed sessions that last 3 forevers need to be abolished. It’s not a fun party if the board is in closed session for a couple hours. SO passé and almost gauche.

I think it’s crazy that time swallows so many items and concepts that are now rendered obsolete, but some of these other things still remain. It’s wild how society shifts, and yet stuff like infinity scarves and IPAs are still out on the shelves. It’s mind boggling. I’d send a postcard and learn how to drive a stick shift before I let a man in flared jeans buy me a beer. And I’d rather see push lawnmowers stay, not go, rather than spend 15 dollars on an umbrella that won’t work.

Here’s hoping that the rest of this year sends my list the way of the dodo. 

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